My Army Has Risen! Wait, what?

So it’s Monday and I was hoping to have an kick-ass exclusive for my blog faithful this morning, but I have yet to get final approval on today’s article as I suspect someone is sleeping late. Yeah, you know who you are. Do you realize you are throwing off all of this week’s blog posts? Who sleeps later than 5AM these days? I sure as hell don’t. Sure, I may sleep other times during the day (read: from 12PM to 5PM), but for the love of cult leaders everywhere, get your skinny ass out of bed! Anyway, I am now forced to pull some crazy ass blog post out of thin air. So here goes:

Ever since I was a very young girl, I loved stuffed animals. (Oh, I know. I hear your groan. Suck it. This all I got because someone’s “sleep” is more important than my blog.) Ahem. As I was saying, ever since I was a young girl, I loved stuffed animals. I always slept with at least 15 or so every night. They all had special importance to me. And I still have the one that was my all-time favorite. Her name was “Mousey”. And I love her very much. Mr. JLG365 calls her “Bunny” for some reason, but I always correct him. (Oh, there’s more. I know you have probably stopped reading by now, but that’s okay. Can’t have dead air.)

To this day, I still collect stuffed animals. Would you like to know my favorites? You wouldn’t? Too bad! I am all powerful and you are nothing! I command you to continue reading this horrible blog article. And then, after nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you. Muah ha ha ha ha!

Right. Where was I? Oh, I remember. My favorite present-day stuffed animals. First off, we have “Lieam”. Lieam has earned respect of his fellow Guardsmice with his bravery and swordsmanship. He sits atop my bed at night and protects me from snakes. I hate snakes so much. And they know it. (Good Lord, I am even annoying myself. Perhaps I received an email or IM message approving today’s intented article. Nope, nothing. Okie dokey. Onward.)

Next up, we have “Chickington”. I just love chickens and anything chicken-related. I have a chicken clock, framed chicken pictures, chicken playing cards, chicken stationary and chicken overnight panty shields. Wait, scratch that last one. I meant to say I wished I had chicken overnight panty shields. Yeah. That would be sweeeeeet! Also, my friend has guinea hens. They eat ticks and poop. (Kill me. Kill me now.)

This is a “Lolrus”. On the interwebs, A lolrus is an image combining a photograph with a humorous and idiosyncratic caption in broken English, a dialect which is known as “lolspeak”. In the JLG365 household, a lolrus sits next to Lieam atop my bed, happily holding his “bukkit”. I cannot take either stuffed friends down as Mr. JLG365 says they have “sharp parts” that ultimatley will wind up under his back.

(Are you still here? The hell? What’s wrong with you? No, no e-mail approval yet. Sorry my blog faithful. I know this may possibly be the worst blog post in the history of JLG365 and I aopologize, however, the blame lies squarely on someone else’s shoulders.)

Finally, we have Jesse Custer. Yes, I know he is not a stuffed animal. He’s an action figure. I also collect them, but that’s another blog post for another time. (Shut it!) Jesse is a down-and-out preacher in the small Texas town of Annville. He was accidentally possessed by a supernatural creature named Genesis. The product of the unnatural coupling of an angel and a demon, Genesis is an infant with no sense of individual will. Jesse, now bonded to Genesis, has become the most powerful being in the whole of living existence. Pretty fucking cool, eh? It’s all in one of the best comic books ever written: Preacher. Also, there is a button on the back of my action figure that lights up Jesse’s eye when you press it. Rock and roll!

Well, there yo have it. My worst blog post ever. And I took my time writing it too. Actually, I had fun writing it. But that does not mean I will write another one like it anytime soon. Hopefully I will be able to deliver on my promise of a kick-ass exclusive tomorrow. Unless someone (who-will-remain-nameless-but-whose-identity-will-obviously-be-revealed-when-my-exclusive-article-is-posted) sleeps for the next 24 hours. We shall see. Until then, here’s Jesse Custer riding a lolrus: